People never blame parents.

I’m starting to get really annoyed with how much people just refuse to blame parents for…well…anything.

Especially in schools and in homeschool communities, we’re supposed to be training each other and supporting one another to be critical thinkers, yet you tell someone your dad’s an abuser and all you get is:

“I’m sure he did the best he could.”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s a misunderstanding.”

“Well he bought you ____________, so he must love you.”

“Oh, I feel so bad for him. It must hurt him how you don’t even like him.”

FUCK YOU PEOPLE, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT HE DID.

Ugh.

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Get the Lord out of science class, people!

Trigger warning I guess…this post deals with abuse by Christian parents so um…reader discretion is advised?

Stuff like this makes me hate people asking me how I can possibly be learning in home school.

http://www.addictinginfo.org/2014/10/27/convert-or-else/

The gist: a boy was given a science test that had a question reading “it is amazing what the ________ has made!!!!!!!!” Of course, the answer was “the Lord” but this poor Buddhist kid who wasn’t beaten over the head with a Bible from the moment he was conceived didn’t know the answer.

His parents naturally went to the school to ask what the hell was wrong with them (in nicer words than I just used) and the school said that if it bothered the kid that he was excluded, he should just stop being Buddhist because he doesn’t “have to” be and could just as easily convert.

This sounds like just a difference of opinion to a lot of people, but it’s not. It’s really disgusting to me that people try to make science class about God. Like, yeah, I get it, you’re happily religious and I guess if that’s how you feel I’m happy for you. Except that’s a lie. I’m not happy for you. I’m not happy for people who are getting moral instructions from leaders at the two separate churches where I experienced things no kid should ever experience. Frankly, I’m not sure why anyone wants to follow a God who sits back and says nothing when an adult tells them that they have to lie about being sexually abused or else Mr. Big Scary Christian God will hate them! That’s just my opinion though and I know it’s not a popular one.

People tell me now “oh honey God doesn’t want that!” Why does he get off that easily, for having so many churches filled with unrepentant child molesters (of all genders, abusing all genders, in all denominations). If a CEO had no freaking idea that major representatives of his company were child rapists, people would expect that CEO to respond to the situation quickly and efficiently. They’d want an apology as well as an official message from that CEO saying “these fuck wads do not represent me, my company, or our values and these people have been removed!”

The church couldn’t even be bothered to do that. They just let my parents (whom I no longer live with) tell them the abuse didn’t matter and then chose to ignore it. Oh, that only happened at the church where they even bothered to call the police. Wonder why I don’t live with my parents now? The church that did call the police still didn’t fire the abuser because they needed her charity dollars. If that isn’t an un-Christian thing to do I don’t know what is!

So people say “oh God works in mysterious ways” but why does that excuse work for God when it wouldn’t work for anyone else on Earth? If I said that British Petrol “spilled oil in a mysterious way” and that the oil spill might have been part of their plan, people would probably tell me they didn’t care, that they weren’t devoting tons of money and brand loyalty to a company that screws that many people over. Yes, it fuels many peoples’ cars but people can buy gas somewhere else if BP doesn’t get its shit together. Similarly, God needs a better excuse for letting abusers stay in positions of power than “whelp, free will, and oh I’m working in a mysterious way right now.”

Where was my free-will when this was done to me, God? Ask yourself if what you’re doing is really giving everyone free-will because to me it seems like your actions (or lack thereof) give abusers a hell of a lot more agency than children ever get.

I’m not trying to tell people what to believe, but my point is that you don’t know what you’re saying when you tell people like me to give God another chance. You’re saying “listen, I know you were sexually molested at two separate churches and that in both instances the entire church community rallied in support around the abuser and NOT you, claiming you were the bad one, but I don’t care because my right not to have to deal with you disagreeing with me is more important than your valid criticism of the kinds of shit that goes on at churches and that no major branch of organized religion seems to have found a decent way to address.”

I’m sick of parents who teach their kids to be Christian. I’m sick of being scared, wondering if their kids are being hurt too and if they’re just too in love with the Lord to give a damn or to notice one way or the other. I’m sick of people thinking it’s alright to force their religious views on others. I’m also sick of the unearned superiority complex Christians often have. No, you guys have not earned the right to be smug about how right you are. Not until you clean up this mess. I’d say that to any community with a mess like this, and I say it all the time. Clean up your shit. Stop acting like Pagans/Satanists are the only religious people capable of committing organized abusive crime and start holding abusers responsible.

Learn your damn Bibles too. Realize that “turn the other cheek” means something a lot different than what you’re telling kids it means, and that abusers are saying it means kids have to endure beatings. Realize that bullying and abusing your kid because they’re gay and Leviticus said gay is wrong goes against everything Jesus said about love and avoiding judgment. Realize that when your kid is abused, it’s not some personal slight against you. Realize that when your kid is gay it’s not “your failure” that you need to hide.

For Christian parents who aren’t abusers, just keep an eye out okay? For those who are, stop fucking excusing your abusive shit by pointing to your ancient Bible. If you’re fucking your own kid, I don’t care if you go to church 8,000 times per day. There is no magic number of Precious Moments figurines, prayers, Bibles, episodes of Veggie Tales on DVD, cross-stitched blessings, plastic mangers for your front yard, Mary statues, etc that can wash the shame of being a child rapist off of you. You are missing the best part of being religious – the kind of belonging you can only get by being an honest and real human being who is actually a good person instead of just a liar. Liars never end up happy in the long-run. If you really are right and there is a God and a Satan and a hell, you are surely falling down the chute very quickly for blaming God and/or Jesus for your abusive behavior. Nobody wants a parent who does that to move in with them, and I think even Jesus and God feel that way.

No, Mom. I’m not the one Jesus Christ himself would be mad at. You and your stupid abusive husband are, and that’s why I have to be raised somewhere else and home school because my trauma makes normal school hard.

Psychiatrist

Wow, so um special day I just had.

I think I’ve told you guys already (whoever reads this thing) that I’m not with my family of origin anymore. It used to be like “yeah you can visit but you can’t ask me to live with you again.” People thought some distance would help them see reason, but it didn’t. Now my parents aren’t allowed to talk to me/I’m not supposed to talk to them either. It’s kind of sad but it’s also kind of nice that it’s some official Not Supposed To so I can say I’m just following the rules and it doesn’t have to feel like some evil choice I’m making. Oh well.

So I had to go see one of “those” doctors, ie: the kind that looks at your head because when your mom’s got something called a personality disorder and your dad’s this like split between the zonked out sarcastic jerk who tries to act nice sometimes and the rage demon who comes out of nowhere and disappears as quickly as he arrived, people want to know what your head is like too apparently. I really wanted to know too because I don’t want to have or adopt kids someday and be the kind of mom my mom was or the emotionally absent dad. That whole “making things/giving presents superwoman” plus “constantly mad and critical and judgey” thing is such bad parenting and I want to make sure my own mind doesn’t make me that.

But um, it’s nerve-wracking talking to a psychiatrist. It’s like your soul is in the principal’s office wondering what it did to be in trouble. I went in there and had to tell him I was taking psych drugs (yeah I know I’m young but that’s part of what makes it terrible) and I don’t want to be taking psych drugs. He thinks someday I can live without it. No Zoloft, no Wellbutrin, no sleep aids for the nights I stay up worrying or hallucinate a hand turning my doorknob – a hand belonging to a person who wants to hurt me and then blink and it’s gone. Somehow he thinks some sunshine, friendship, love, security, and maybe some healthy herbs and exercise can transform all that into a functional human being.

We’ll see.

It’s embarrassing to say you’re this young and not speaking to your parents at all, but he didn’t take it to mean I was some brat (thankfully).

It meant a lot that SOMEONE doesn’t think I’m hopeless. Like, someone thinks I’m not actually beyond hope. Being out of school because I “just can’t” and not doing my work every day because “my brain is messed up” is not the nicest feeling in the world but somebody thinks he can fix it or help ME fix it.

Health, Unit 1; Nutrition

For health class, I was going to go down a list of unit studies I found online. It was all the basic stuff – fitness, nutrition, alcohol being bad, drugs being bad, sex being mostly bad, etc. Health is one of those subjects that a lot of states require homeschoolers demonstrate they’ve learned about. Unfortunately, it’s boring. I’m only about a couple weeks into the semester and I’m already bored. What I’ve decided is that every unit should relate to my life in some way. I have many health issues myself that I’m working through, and most of them require me to watch videos/get educated about lifestyle and what’s healthy versus what my parents did. That takes up a lot of my time, because to get better I can’t just take a pill, I need to actually do the work. I decided I want to work my own health struggles into my health curriculum. In particular, I am going to start with a list of questions that I want answered rather than a list of assignments and then searching for material that will give me an answer.

The first unit I am supposed to cover is nutrition. Nutrition is oversimplified in high school health textbooks. As a vegan, the “four food groups” thing gets complicated. For the nutrition unit, I have compiled a list of questions.

  1. What are signs of B-12 deficiency? How can I know if I’m deficient?
  2. Which nutrients might I be missing and how can I get them?
  3. What are some cost-efficient ways to pack more nutrients into each meal?
  4. What foods are best for someone with depression?
  5. Can nutritional supplements replace traditional antidepressants?
  6. What foods can I eat if I don’t feel full?

To track my progress, I will use a stopwatch to time how long I spend on the nutrition unit and compile a “portfolio” of work done for my health class. This will make sure I get to 75 hours for the half-credit this course offers.

      

First week of high school.

It’s week 1 and I’m so behind! Normally I don’t get behind on school except I’ve been sick all week. It’s so stressful, but I think I found a way to make it better.

For those unfamiliar, I try to keep my “weeks” no longer than a week, but ultimately the first week is not finished until I have 225 minutes in each subject. I’m tracking classroom hours to feel “on task.” 

Right now I have a LibreOffice Calc (that’s the poor man’s Excel which I am using until we get around to buying the real one) spreadsheet tracking my hours working on different subjects. So far, for this week, I’m like this.

1. English: 70 minutes to go.

2. Algebra 1: 225 minutes to go (darn).

3. Biology: 215 minutes to go (the video I watched only made up 10 minutes).

4. Social Studies: 153 minutes to go.

5. Health: 225 minutes to go.

6. Computer Applications: 225 minutes to go.

7. I actually don’t have a final elective yet. I’m thinking Spanish but undecided still.

—-

For English, Math, Science, and Social Studies I’m using the TASC preparation guide. For those unfamiliar, the TASC is basically the new GED exam. Since this is my first week of high school, I’m using the TASC guide to find out where I am in terms of mastering the “basic skills” you absolutely have to have to count as any sort of graduate anywhere. I’m only on the English section (the first one) but so far I think I’m doing well. Then again, English is my best subject so yeah.

For Social Studies I am using Grey School of Wizardry as a springboard and doing a lot of research into Ancient Egyptian history online. Hard to do because I hate hate hate hate mummies and don’t want to see all those gross pictures…which makes my research choices limited. I’m also researching the Paleolithic era somewhat. This year’s social studies will be World History with a dash of Geography (because Geography by itself sounds boring and how can I memorize places without knowing what’s going on there?). 

For Biology I have been watching some Saylor Academy videos and will be starting my textbook soon. 

For Algebra I mean to use Khan but haven’t done so yet.

For Health I have a whole syllabus written out for myself (except for the sex ed requirement, guh…it’s one of those things you have to say you did but seeing as how I have trauma and stuff it’s hard to find a version that isn’t just…ugh).

For Computer Applications I’m going to use Microsoft Office’s online videos once I actually get Microsoft Office on my new laptop (the thing was a bargain but it didn’t come with Word).

Not my usual post.

I was watching Pretty Little Liars tonight and well…it kind of upset me. For those who don’t watch it (probably all of my readers), a pretty teenager (Alison) went missing in season 1 and was found dead before the 2nd episode. Recently her friends found out that she was actually alive. The truth about what happened to her is complicated…a stalker or series of stalkers was/were sending her death threats and keeping her on the run. When everyone finds out she’s alive, Alison comes up with a lie and says that she was kidnapped.

You know, I almost wish that she was kidnapped. You don’t see cute, interesting, normal female characters on TV have things like that happen to them. Occasionally someone gets raped on TV but it tends to be therapy and then back to normal in a couple episodes. Kidnapping, though, being taken out of your home and kept somewhere and in particular having your family cover for it…that’s something different altogether. You dread it. You dread leaving your door unlocked or your BEDROOM door unlocked even, and you dread every sound you hear in the house. Every time your neighbor plays loud music or somebody’s talking outside you think “shit what if it’s them?” TV doesn’t deal with that. Characters are either raped once by total strangers or they’re abused by boyfriends they can easily break up with and get away from. There are almost never characters who are betrayed by their families and taken off places to be hurt. Familial betrayal that can’t be fixed with an “I’m sorry” really isn’t discussed AT ALL. I hate it.

I’d like Ali more if they would just have that be it. With all the blackmail and shit, why not?

Welcome to World Education University

I don’t actually use WEU but a homeschooling friend (older) does. Here’s a good review of it.

The Latest in Hackademia

World Education University logo.

Sometime during my break between semesters last year, while looking for art tutorials, I stumbled across World Education University. Much like Udemy and Coursera, it offers free education that cannot translate into real college credit. What makes World Education University unique among free, open-admission pseudo-college programs is that it offers actual major and minor concentrations like a regular college. From the associate to graduate level, WEU takes itself seriously as an institute of higher education and even a substitute for regular college. While it is not currently accredited, the administration states numerous times on the website that they would like to become accredited at some point. Although I already had a degree (in English), I found their graphic design program attractive. Who wouldn’t want to learn how to use Adobe Creative Suite for free?

Much like the first week at a regular school, my WEU education began…

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No “for us” without us.

“You think you like your job, but you’re actually just wasting your life.”

“Your wife is a no-good loser you’d be better off without.”

“I just think that ‘atmosphere’ you’re in is making you into an asocial nut job.”

“Even if you think that knitting class you signed up for will be a fun way to spend your Tuesday evenings, someday you’ll look back and regret all that yarn.”

—-

Adult readers, if you had a friend who said these things to you, would you go “oh wow, you are a really smart person and I really want to be your best friend?”

No. You’d probably say something more like, “excuse me, but who asked you?” There are probably dozens of self-help books telling you not to hang out with people who do this. So…my question to you is, why do you do it to us? Specifically, why do you do it to us behind our backs?

Every once in a while I see these posts where parents run into other parents who are critical of homeschooling. Goodness knows my bio parents were. There’s always this “your kids aren’t going to learn social skills” thing and this “your kids are miserable, or even if they think they’re happy they’re just appeasing you” thing. The implication is that homeschooling is a soft form of child abuse and somehow public schooling is the golden standard of health and well-being for children (which makes no sense). What really bothers me about some of this is that no one seems to understand that children/teenagers are actually PEOPLE. If you’re worried we’re not happy/are feeling down/aren’t social/whatever, ask us. If you’re not friends with us then is it really your business?

I get the whole “voice for the voiceless” thing because I used to be the voiceless. My own mom started me in regular school at age two and would smack me for doing badly at math, then say it didn’t hurt and I was just being a baby. This is the same woman who later told a homeschooling family that they were doing the wrong thing. Uhm…well I guess if you don’t have the patience not to hit your kids for doing badly at math then you should probably not homeschool them but really if you’re that bad of a person you should give your children up to someone who can actually take care of them before a.) the state does it for you, b.) the kids get older and leave on their own.

If you were a friend of my mom’s during that time, how would you have known I was struggling/in real trouble? You couldn’t just look at my school situation, at what activities I was in, at what toys I had, etc, and make your conclusion there. You had to look at me. Talk to me and see how scared I was, all the time. Hear how much guilt and weight I was carrying around and how personally I took God’s wrath and the likelihood of me going to hell.

Seriously. Come on.

You can’t judge whether someone is socially deprived, secretly miserable, conforming to his/her mother’s idea of who s/he ought to be, etc, based on one conversation with their parent. You have to get to know the kid. If you don’t bother to look at or talk to us when talking about all the ways our parents are “screwing up” then it sends the message that you don’t really see us as people. You just want to one-up our families. Just like the rich people who talk about how they buy superior cat food and get hi-lights for Fluffy, you are showing off how much more “with it” you are than we are.

Summertime sadness.

So for me summer has pretty much just begun, but what does that mean for homeschool?

Not much, actually. When you have actual control over your own education, you never really feel the need to just sit there because you have nothing to do. Right now, let’s see, what am I doing?

1. Saylor’s Milton class.

2. Algebra. I suck at staying committed to Algebra!

3. Saylor’s Biology class. My friend is doing their Chemistry. Lots of options.

4. Herbology classes at GSW.

5. Reading a book for a Lore class (which is basically like wizard English) at GSW.

6. Taking an occasional art class.

What are you doing this summer?

I’m mildly sick and I can’t sleep.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.